Tug Of War

It's just one of the days of dilemma
When my heart and mind speak a different language

The inner voice echoes in the depths of silence
And silence tries to deafen the voice to a memory.

To win or loose

To give to each moment or to take from each moment

To find happiness in myself or to find it in others

To live this moment as if its the last I have
Or as if it's the first of the rest of my life

To silence your words
Or word my silence

To tell you to get lost
Or to get lost in you

ps - I chose to win and loose

Introspection and a Resolution

If I have to describe 2007 it would definitely be a year of great Introspection and Self Realization for me - Who Am I? What is my Purpose in Life? Where do I go to from here in Life?

I can't say I've found all my answers but I have definitely got a few and thought a lot about the others.

It is often the most simple experiences in life that have made me start questioning my Mind.

I spent 1 month in a village 100 kms from Bangalore
It was the first time I travelled in the front seat of a lorry :D!
I stayed there in my Sister's house with no neigbours around at a radius of 1 km.
With absolutely no form of electricity (they now generate solar power to meet all their requirements which don't include a tv, washing machine, mixer, fridge and so called 'essential' gizmo)
With no taps, no flowing water, just a manually operated tube well some 200 m away from the house.

-I planted a few saplings Banyan, Banana, Neem! Prepared a patch for Methi, which was later consumed :)!
-I pumped water manually - about 100 litres a day - real back breaking exercise! But lost a few kilos too :D! It's tougher than it looks, but something which gets real easy once the technique is mastered. Here's a Dummies Guide :P to Using a Hand Pump -
Bend at your waist, don't bend your back
Stand at a height so that you can use your body weight to pump out the water.
Don't bend your hands at the elbow or legs at the knees - keep them straight
Pump the water with rhythmic motion at a steady pace - you'll be able to go on for a long time without tiring easily
Look out for that bird, bee or butterfly....catch the sunrise or sunset :)

I watched almost 30 consecutive sunrises and sunsets :)! Brushed my teeth in the open while watching the the clear blue, pollution free skies hold up their shining trophy - the Sun! Yes I got up and slept with the Sun. All rise at 5:30am and finish dinner before it gets dark (no electricity you see!)

-Spotted a fox running in the open!
-Stepped several times on snake skin!!!
-Used hot water which was heated using various dry parts of the Coconut tree and cow dung cakes! Also used the paper cups used during the house warming party to help us heat water!

-I watched the Moon climb step by step into the dark night. The sky revealing all its secrets - its stars. I observed the stars and looked for musical notes that the arranged themselves in the tune of some grand celestial symphony maybe? Did a little bit of star gazing in the real sense :)

-Learnt the technique of mulching.
-Saw a rainbow bridging one end of the horizon to another :)! :)! :)!

-Realized that our family was using 1/10 the amount of water we used in Bangalore. Naturally, it was hard earned water....water we'd pumped using our sweat and energy....& not some pump run by electricity. We automatically used/ re used water sparingly. Infact, we used just what we needed. There was little if any wastage of water.

-Ate vegetables that had been picked from the fields just minutes before cooking.

I can go on writing about the experiences of a month - an experience like nothing else I've had in all my life.

But there are a few important things that I realised in the silent solitude I experienced close to nature.

There are really so few things one really needs for a comfortable life. I don't know why we complicate life - crave for things that Don't eventually lead to the Happiness we seek.

I couldn't live forever in such an environment. I've become to used to the idea that material comforts bring happiness. But I'm trying to change the way I think.

Cause... you know, suddenly, Nature in all it's beauty touched me like nothing else. When I came out of my self imposed exile and visited Bangalore - I was shaken by the noise, the pollution, the mad rush and the blind eyes of others that just didn't seem to notice it all!

I want my children to see that beautiful delicate pink flower, that spotted butterfly, that shy hare, the restless sparrow! I want them to be around!

I don't want my children to inherit a world less beautiful than what I got - because I left it in a mess!

I don't want to wait for the Government to change environmental policies, or companies to improve on their corporate social responsibilities or activists to go on a hunger strike. Nor do I want to put it off for the right time because I have personal commitments in life. I don't want to make excuses - I simply can't bear the guilt.

I want to be the Change I want to see in this World! I want to be significant to someone...something other than my family and friends! I know that I can and I want to make that difference...however insignificant!

I know I can't go completely green....but here's what I will do to pacify that inner voice that doesn't allow me to sleep at night. Small changes in lifestyle that I could implement easily ...not big sacrifice or lifestyle change like it was in the village. But small things I could really put to practice which would be my positive contribution.

I'll ask myself everyday-

- Did you carry extra bags to the market so that you didn't need to take a plastic bag?
- Did you walk that extra bit and avoid taking a cab or auto?
-Did you turn of all the extra lights that were on? Or switch of the computer, tv when not in use?
-Did you use water sparingly?
-Were both sides of paper used in a computer printout. Did you minimize taking printouts in the first place?
- Did I keep myself more aware of various environmental issues?
- Could I have given in a little less to temptation - avoided buying plastic non bio degradable stuff?
-Did I get my neices, nephews and youngsters I know to appreciate Nature in all its glorious forms? Cause only when you treasure it will you preserve it!

- Finally, did I haunt a few friends like you dear reader into implementing atleast some of the above yourselves and encouraging you to remind me incase I forgot? :)

For all those who are with me to make that change - a cap for you, made out of a cardboard pizza base cut in half, with waste paper made by yours truly (made for my nephew when he turned 3!). Yeah Recycle, Reuse and Renew!

Let's not blow it - Good planets are hard to find! :)

I Hope You Dance

You say you wanna get off
This ride around the Sun
You say ' I've had enough
And it hasn't been much fun'

But He's the one that decides
The rounds each of us do
And leaves us all complaining
Some say 'so many' and others say 'so few'

The wailing babe got one & Grandma got ninety
It's meant for your enemy, your love and the mighty
But there is just one thing and one thing that I know
He promises while it lasts, a high follows the low

So hang on a little longer
Don't you know this ride is free?
Each ride just makes one stronger
& Baby its not just you and me

I'd try to be in your shoes
(I know you wouldn't mind)
But only you can wipe out those blues
Cause your size just ain't my kind

You ask me where love is
In a friend or in a foe
Oh baby it exists where your heart is!
So seek proof of it no more

Ive been wondering what to do
So I gave a rhythm to this rhyme
I hope you know its for you
Will you dance to it in time?

Music Mantra 2007

Another year full of dancing to life's tune. A year that just seemed so much simpler when it was accompanied by some memorable music.

Some of the songs that I heard again and again .... and may keep hearing for many years to come are -

Beetein Lamhe - The Train
It feels like ages since a song about lost love and the lingering memories ever touched me so much as this one! The tormenting, heart breaking poetry, the soulful guitar, piano & saxophone (?) and KK brilliant rendition makes this the my most heard song this year! I hear the song line by line .... the way a much treasured memory is revisited ..... one almost feels as if it is being lived again .... only to realise that that the moment is long lost.
The 'paradise lost' feel to this song reminds me of another all time favourite of mine -

Din Dhal Jaye Haye Raat Na Jaye, Guide
The particular verse -

Aisi Rimjhim Aisi Puhaaren
Aisi Hi Thi Barsaat
Khud Se Judaa Aur Jug Se Paraaye
Hum Dono The Saath
Phir Se Woh Saawan Ab Kyon Na Aaye
Din Dhal...

To Phir Aao Mujhko Satao (remix) - Awarapan
On a dark, warm and weary evening this mesmerising track just leaves me in a trance. It has a certain hypnotic quality to it - the way Mustafa Zahid desperately mouths- Aa Bhi Jao, Aa Bhi Jao I feel like getting up and ja-o-ing :D!

Laree Chhooti - Ek Challis Ki Last Local
Wow! Was what I said when I heard this one first! I love the positivity of the song and the way Abhay Deol with his laid back, jo bhi hoga dekha jayega attitude turns the song and his kismat around in those 4 minutes! The song has a soft rock feel to it.The guitar just makes one pick up even a badminton racquet and strum :D!

Tere Bin - Delhi Heights
A song I didn't understand straight away but my heart probably did! Wanted to make P hear it immediately. When I read the translation ... :) .... I couldn't wait for him to hear it :)! If you haven't heard this song closely please do. I don't feel like describing a song so close to my heart :)!

Mahiya (original and remix) - Awarapan
Hmmm original or remix? Well I think I love them both. I'd chose Mahiya (the slow original one by Annie) incase I feel like dancing. She fits in some belly dancing steps in her live version! But if I'm vacuuuming the house it's gotto be the Suzanne remix one. A peppy number. Thanks Sushil for getting me hooked to the original almost a month before the music of Awarapan released.

It's Rocking (remix)
Try standing or sitting straight while listening to this song - No don't just smile and read on - Just try! I can almost scientifically prove it to be impossible :D! Even my chair dances to this song! Seriously - its rocking....what say Samir ;)?

Ye Ishq Haye Baithe Bithaye Jannat Dikhaye - Jab We Met
Thanks Samir for this groovy one! We both got fooled by the crispy perky voice and mistook it for Alisha Chinai! Whooaaaa!!! This turned out to be Ms. Ghoshal! I've always felt her coy, sweet voice reminded me of Geeta Dutt. But this song just tells me that the Alisha Chinais, Sunidhi Chauhans and Suzannes should watch out for Ms. Ghoshal crossing over to what until now was their forte.

Mayya Mayya - Guru
Love the Arabic touch. Reminds me of Satrangi Re (Dil Se). A part of the music seems similar to San Sanana (Asoka), I guess both took it from a Safri Duo track. All the same great track for some dance :)!

Maula Mere - Anwar
Ohhhh! the sheer poetry and mesmerising, hypnotic feel to the song.
The words that worship -
Mujhse yeh har ghadi, mere lab kahe
teri hi ho sab guftagoo

The love that gets possessive -
Rakh loon chhupa ke mein kahin tujhko
saaya bhi tera na main doon

This song makes me close my eyes and listen.....feel.

Another song I love for similar reasons is Ajab Si ( Om Shanti Om)

Dhoom Again (Dhoom 2)
The song does give you a feeling of deja vu. The superb drum beats, whistle, bongo (?) and the image ( I must admit) of Greek God looking Hrithik! I just go - Once more common you people Dhoom Machale Dhoom! Sounds dramatic, grand and of course catchy! Louder I play this the more I love it!

Bol Na Halke - Jhoom Barabar Jhoom
A beautiful blend of the flute, guitar and santoor (?) The sincere voice of Rahat Fateh Ali Khan (invariably land up listening to Jiya Dhadak Dhadak from Kalyug too) and sweet melody of Meenakshi Iyer's voice just create magic. The lyrics are incredibly romantic too.

Aaoge Jab Tum Saajana - Jab We Met
Kasak - Chhodo Na Yaar are songs I love to hear in succession.

Mausam (The Train) , Chak De Phattey ( Khosla Ka Ghosla), Mind Blowing Mahiya ( Cash), Hello ( Speed), O Yaara Dhol Bajake ( Dhol), JBJ ( Jhoom Barabar Jhoom), Sajanaji Vaari Vaari ( Honeymoon Travels)

FROM 2006

Dheemey Dheemey -Bas Ek Pal
Bas Ek Pal (remix) -Bas Ek Pal
Ye Meri Kahani - Strings, Zinda
Maula - Zinda
Beedi - Omkara
Mitwa - KANK
Dekho Na - Fanaa


I've really enjoyed this post a great deal - cause it gave me the opportunity to write so much about my first love - Music!

For me Music is the Food of Love and all I say is - Play On....

If Wishes Had Wings ...My Heart Would Be The Launchpad .....

I'd Wish For -


Confidence that Life has in Death

Self Control that clouds have over rain unshed

Dependability that survival has on each breath

Sensitivity the blind have to read thoughts unsaid

Hope with which the dry earth looks up as dark clouds loom

Patience with which a tree waits to be in bloom

Humility which rises out of defeat

Dignity by which on sunrise the moon retreats

The keen desire to try and do,

Like a man has when his days are numbered and few



PS - Written in 2001 during Law class! I think subconsciously inspired by Tagore's This Is My Prayer I had read a few years before.
Will add on to this wish list :)!

I'll See You In Heaven ... I'll See You Again

If theres one thing that I remember about this photograph it is that I was looking at you ....& it was you who made me smile. (I'm the only girl not facing the camera! Sitting, second from the right)

I don't remember which Basketball win this was....or the names of some of the players. But I remember telling you that I get awfully tense while facing the camera I either look very serious or burst into giggles and look like an idiot. You had told me to just keep looking at you.

I did....& see what happened....

You're no where...... but you're still there.

To my dear friend.....

Just a few memories that are now left -

Of me praising you on how perfectly you polished your white keds & then stamping them dirty when you grinned proudly and then you reciprocating the favour & us both whitening our keds crazy with chalk on reaching school :D!

Of us returning from school by the Jadavpur Purbanchal bus...running, pushing...diving to get a place. Or hanging on to the bus door while giggling and chattering away.

Of you teasing me about the latest girls school heart throb from the boys school & pronouncing him to be the class's 'Pass Time Passion' or PTP as we referred to him on the sly when he was around in the bus!!! Of you ragging me when he got up to offer me a place to sit :D!

Of me acquainting you to all the highs and lows, figures and curves in Economics & Stats in exchange for you acquainting me to all the highs and lows, figures and curves ruling...well Filmfare :)

Of you and Mannu staying over at my place to get up early to stand in the line for college admission forms.

Of me feeling great that I'd got into the college of my choice...yet feeling bad that you both were not going to be there at the same college.

Of us loosing touch with the passage of time.

Of me getting to know about the shortage of time.

Of me in the knowledge today that those two years were all the time we would have on Earth together.

But Dear Friend.....I'll see you in heaven...I'll see you again

Gandhi Jayanti

Last Friday we visited the State Rooms at the Buckingham Palace where an exhibition marking the 60th Wedding Anniversary of the Queen was on. There were expensive gifts... and there were ridiculously expensive gifts.

But my eyes were seeking the cheapest and yet priceless gift of them all!

The specific gift I was looking for was - a cloth woven from the yarn specially spun by Mahatma Gandhi for the Queen bearing the words 'Jai Hind'. Do read more about it here.

As children we would enjoy the day off at home. My Mother would force us to watch 'Gandhi' the movie by Richard Attenborough. I remember finding the movie very boring and cursing Doordarshan for showing the same movie 3 times a year ... year after year - on Independence and Republic Day and on 2nd October. They're saving money on hiring another movie I would say :D!

With the passing years 2nd October completely lost its significance. It became a day- off between two exams and later an 'unofficial' working day.
If I did enjoy a holiday, Doordarshan was definitely not the channel I was watching!

Two years back I read Louis Fischer's - The Life of Mahatma Gandhi.
Why I read it ...I really don't know....but I have developed an interest in our history.
Maybe because in a strange way I feel more 'Indian' here than I have ever felt back home in India.

Here, after seeing oh- so-many programmes on the many wars Britain has fought... have I developed a great admiration and respect for our powerful yet non-violent Struggle for Independence. Here our experiences seem more real and not just page in my History book.

A friend once remarked that though Gandhiji is probably the strongest symbol of Non Violence and despite being nominated 5 times he was never awarded the Nobel Prize. I doubt if it would have mattered either way to him. Do read the article on the Missing Laureate.

"Generations to come, it may be, will scarce believe that such one as this ever in flesh and blood walked upon this earth". -A Einstein on M K Gandhi

This year I watched the movie 'Gandhi' on tv on 15 August in London..... & my Mother was not here forcing me!

Yes, I guess I'm evolving very slowly....and trying, in a small way, to be the change I (you) wish to see in the world.