The Light In Your Eyes

I was standing at the aisle which had tomatoes in this huge supermarket, wondering which tomatoes to buy! Yup! Cause there were vine tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, normal tomatoes, the organic variety, reduced price ones, tomatoes sold loose, in trays of 4/ 6 pieces or in bags of different weights & I'm not going into which country they were imported from! As usual I stood there for a few seconds wondering what to pick up...sour ones, sweet ones, ripe ones, dry or juicy ones....!

I felt the presence of a thin man, around 6 feet tall near me trying to pick some tomatoes. What made me look up to his face was that he was feeling the different crates and their contents rather than picking the tomatoes. I realised he was blind & my natural, spontaneous reaction was to guardedly observe him. His hands seemed to be restlessly looking for something & I looked around to see if anyone else in the same aisle was watching him. But no I was the only one. I wondered if he was looking for a plastic bag & observed that there wasn't a bag roll on the tomatoe side of the aisle. If he wanted a bag did he need anyone to get him one?

He suddenly spoke very loudly - Can I get a bag? I had in anticipation, unconciously moved to the bag roll stand already. Quickly gave him the 2 bags I snatched from the stand. He mumbled a careless sort of 'Thanks' & also surprised me with his agility when he felt one bag slip & ducked down to save it from falling to the ground! I unnecessarily suppressed a complex smile. A happy smile in admiration of his reflexes mixed with a guilty one that wondered why I had been so gifted with sight. There are times where I feel apologetic and guilty for what I have; I know it is not right to feel so...but well I do at times.

He then said - Where are the potatoes? This is the first time I'm at this Tesco (the super market)
I replied - They're on the other side of this aisle, 3rd crate ahead from where you are now.
He said - 'Cheers mate', and moved on.

My directions and his instincts led him and the first crate he touched was the one with Potatoes!

A happy smile escaped and spread across my face.

The fact is my mind was full of confused, uncomfortable questions when I realised he was blind. I didn't know whether at that moment he felt his cup was half full or half empty.....& I didn't know whether he wanted or needed any help or how he would react to my 'helping hand'.

I then realised that I was the one with all the complicated questions about life while he gave me the answers. He told me his cup was half full :) !

Ironically, I felt that I was the one who needed the help and guidance to handle my confused feelings :)

I got back to my Tomato problem while he had already finished filling his second bag with potatoes and had moved on :)

Dead But Not Asleep

I closed my eyes and held my breath
The wait just seemed so endless
And when I felt I could take no more
I heard a voice, a strange calm it bore

A pale and melancholy form did I behold
Of someone who would take me in her fold
And lead me to joys unfelt...untold
A vision I longed to touch and hold

I waved at loved ones on either bank
No more talk of my ship that sank
I've finally found my vision my goal
Thank God I've finally found my soul

In a strange delirium I ran down the stream
I ran and ran to hold on to that dream
Her twinkling eyes like million moon beams
Under her gaze the pebbles like petals did seem

But wait have I come far and gone astray
I look back ..theres no one even far away
Just then her sweet anklet music did play
And once more in her promises did I sway

Hopes are for those who believe in tomorrow
Future for those who have some 'time' to borrow
The inner shadows of myself did I follow
Dreams that are dark, deep and hollow

I found myself in the ocean of such streams
There were many who had tried living their dreams
Had I lost myself or found myself in my dreams
I know I will not find answers -No...not even in my dreams

PS - A poem of the past

Tug Of War

It's just one of the days of dilemma
When my heart and mind speak a different language

The inner voice echoes in the depths of silence
And silence tries to deafen the voice to a memory.

To win or loose

To give to each moment or to take from each moment

To find happiness in myself or to find it in others

To live this moment as if its the last I have
Or as if it's the first of the rest of my life

To silence your words
Or word my silence

To tell you to get lost
Or to get lost in you

ps - I chose to win and loose

Introspection and a Resolution

If I have to describe 2007 it would definitely be a year of great Introspection and Self Realization for me - Who Am I? What is my Purpose in Life? Where do I go to from here in Life?

I can't say I've found all my answers but I have definitely got a few and thought a lot about the others.

It is often the most simple experiences in life that have made me start questioning my Mind.

I spent 1 month in a village 100 kms from Bangalore
It was the first time I travelled in the front seat of a lorry :D!
I stayed there in my Sister's house with no neigbours around at a radius of 1 km.
With absolutely no form of electricity (they now generate solar power to meet all their requirements which don't include a tv, washing machine, mixer, fridge and so called 'essential' gizmo)
With no taps, no flowing water, just a manually operated tube well some 200 m away from the house.

-I planted a few saplings Banyan, Banana, Neem! Prepared a patch for Methi, which was later consumed :)!
-I pumped water manually - about 100 litres a day - real back breaking exercise! But lost a few kilos too :D! It's tougher than it looks, but something which gets real easy once the technique is mastered. Here's a Dummies Guide :P to Using a Hand Pump -
Bend at your waist, don't bend your back
Stand at a height so that you can use your body weight to pump out the water.
Don't bend your hands at the elbow or legs at the knees - keep them straight
Pump the water with rhythmic motion at a steady pace - you'll be able to go on for a long time without tiring easily
Look out for that bird, bee or butterfly....catch the sunrise or sunset :)

I watched almost 30 consecutive sunrises and sunsets :)! Brushed my teeth in the open while watching the the clear blue, pollution free skies hold up their shining trophy - the Sun! Yes I got up and slept with the Sun. All rise at 5:30am and finish dinner before it gets dark (no electricity you see!)

-Spotted a fox running in the open!
-Stepped several times on snake skin!!!
-Used hot water which was heated using various dry parts of the Coconut tree and cow dung cakes! Also used the paper cups used during the house warming party to help us heat water!

-I watched the Moon climb step by step into the dark night. The sky revealing all its secrets - its stars. I observed the stars and looked for musical notes that the arranged themselves in the tune of some grand celestial symphony maybe? Did a little bit of star gazing in the real sense :)

-Learnt the technique of mulching.
-Saw a rainbow bridging one end of the horizon to another :)! :)! :)!

-Realized that our family was using 1/10 the amount of water we used in Bangalore. Naturally, it was hard earned water....water we'd pumped using our sweat and energy....& not some pump run by electricity. We automatically used/ re used water sparingly. Infact, we used just what we needed. There was little if any wastage of water.

-Ate vegetables that had been picked from the fields just minutes before cooking.

I can go on writing about the experiences of a month - an experience like nothing else I've had in all my life.

But there are a few important things that I realised in the silent solitude I experienced close to nature.

There are really so few things one really needs for a comfortable life. I don't know why we complicate life - crave for things that Don't eventually lead to the Happiness we seek.

I couldn't live forever in such an environment. I've become to used to the idea that material comforts bring happiness. But I'm trying to change the way I think.

Cause... you know, suddenly, Nature in all it's beauty touched me like nothing else. When I came out of my self imposed exile and visited Bangalore - I was shaken by the noise, the pollution, the mad rush and the blind eyes of others that just didn't seem to notice it all!

I want my children to see that beautiful delicate pink flower, that spotted butterfly, that shy hare, the restless sparrow! I want them to be around!

I don't want my children to inherit a world less beautiful than what I got - because I left it in a mess!

I don't want to wait for the Government to change environmental policies, or companies to improve on their corporate social responsibilities or activists to go on a hunger strike. Nor do I want to put it off for the right time because I have personal commitments in life. I don't want to make excuses - I simply can't bear the guilt.

I want to be the Change I want to see in this World! I want to be significant to someone...something other than my family and friends! I know that I can and I want to make that difference...however insignificant!

I know I can't go completely green....but here's what I will do to pacify that inner voice that doesn't allow me to sleep at night. Small changes in lifestyle that I could implement easily ...not big sacrifice or lifestyle change like it was in the village. But small things I could really put to practice which would be my positive contribution.

I'll ask myself everyday-

- Did you carry extra bags to the market so that you didn't need to take a plastic bag?
- Did you walk that extra bit and avoid taking a cab or auto?
-Did you turn of all the extra lights that were on? Or switch of the computer, tv when not in use?
-Did you use water sparingly?
-Were both sides of paper used in a computer printout. Did you minimize taking printouts in the first place?
- Did I keep myself more aware of various environmental issues?
- Could I have given in a little less to temptation - avoided buying plastic non bio degradable stuff?
-Did I get my neices, nephews and youngsters I know to appreciate Nature in all its glorious forms? Cause only when you treasure it will you preserve it!

- Finally, did I haunt a few friends like you dear reader into implementing atleast some of the above yourselves and encouraging you to remind me incase I forgot? :)

For all those who are with me to make that change - a cap for you, made out of a cardboard pizza base cut in half, with waste paper made by yours truly (made for my nephew when he turned 3!). Yeah Recycle, Reuse and Renew!

Let's not blow it - Good planets are hard to find! :)

I'll See You In Heaven ... I'll See You Again

If theres one thing that I remember about this photograph it is that I was looking at you ....& it was you who made me smile. (I'm the only girl not facing the camera! Sitting, second from the right)

I don't remember which Basketball win this was....or the names of some of the players. But I remember telling you that I get awfully tense while facing the camera I either look very serious or burst into giggles and look like an idiot. You had told me to just keep looking at you.

I did....& see what happened....

You're no where...... but you're still there.

To my dear friend.....

Just a few memories that are now left -

Of me praising you on how perfectly you polished your white keds & then stamping them dirty when you grinned proudly and then you reciprocating the favour & us both whitening our keds crazy with chalk on reaching school :D!

Of us returning from school by the Jadavpur Purbanchal bus...running, pushing...diving to get a place. Or hanging on to the bus door while giggling and chattering away.

Of you teasing me about the latest girls school heart throb from the boys school & pronouncing him to be the class's 'Pass Time Passion' or PTP as we referred to him on the sly when he was around in the bus!!! Of you ragging me when he got up to offer me a place to sit :D!

Of me acquainting you to all the highs and lows, figures and curves in Economics & Stats in exchange for you acquainting me to all the highs and lows, figures and curves ruling...well Filmfare :)

Of you and Mannu staying over at my place to get up early to stand in the line for college admission forms.

Of me feeling great that I'd got into the college of my choice...yet feeling bad that you both were not going to be there at the same college.

Of us loosing touch with the passage of time.

Of me getting to know about the shortage of time.

Of me in the knowledge today that those two years were all the time we would have on Earth together.

But Dear Friend.....I'll see you in heaven...I'll see you again

Walk of Life

This Summer has been really good. We went for a Bird Walk at Regents Park. We really didn't see many birds (wish I could go to Ranganathittu again!) -we had even bought binoculars for the occasion - but I guess you need to go for several such bird walks till you actually start looking out for the birds and not spotting mere movement of leaves after the bird has flown off! The walk was really refreshing. I've never really been a 'nature lover'.... but I guess things were just getting too much for me and so for the first time I too visited a place where I was free of mundane thoughts - actually free of any thought. The best part was I didn't know what to expect - what birds I would see, I barely saw any; yet I got beyond my expectation.

The other was the Butterfly walk at Richmond Park. Richmond park has wild deer. I was not very enthusiastic cause I felt the chances of actually seeing them was slim. But when i found out about the Butterfly Walk we did go for it.

There is something about nature - such unparalleled beauty and yet so unpretentious. We went in search of only butterflies - stumbled upon spiders, grasshoppers, nameless insects,flowers, beautiful trees - some decaying some blossoming yet all playing their indispensable role. Even the dead rotting tree-on which moss grew, under which mushrooms grew, beside it lay a dead crow which had made the tree it's tombstone, in it was an ant home and on it several people like me had sat, lost in thought.

Nature has her own moods. And not just the extreme ones. The birds turned lazy because it was a cold day & hence we saw fewer birds on the Bird Walk day. The butterflies decided it was no time to tap dance from one flower to another on a windy day, and hence we saw less of them.




I was completely captivated by a butterfly, surprisingly not for its stunning beauty but by its silent magnetism. I had long before got frustrated and given up my ambitious plan of going after a specific butterfly and trapping it in a photograph. But this temptress (Speckled Wood) literally drew me. Made me feel like, I guess, a confused schoolboy in complete admiration for his first crush. I didn't know whether to show my interest and pursue the beauty or behave utterly nonchalant and walk on by. I would shamelessly follow ....she would shyly disappear. I would loose heart.... & she would appear! This went on for 10 minutes. She was so unsure of me....and I was sure of loosing either her or my group which had gone ahead. I would look back at the group gathering together to discover another treasure and wonder what I was missing out on. She sensed my hesitation...judged my insincerity....posed long enough for me to take a picture (that will never do justice to her free spirit) and waved off a dismissal to this schoolboy for ever!

The informative walk should have left me more wise..I realized I knew nothing.

I was a bit tired, hungry and very philosophical. Here I was in a world where the roads didn't have names, there was no map, my mobile network was weak, my leather wallet could only antagonise a wild animal further, my only defense if I met a deer would be to raise my hands in the air and prove I'm not there to harm (as instructed by our guide).

Yet I felt one with this world.

We took a break. Sadly, those few extra moments I got while eating an apple made me live not for the present moment...but for the future. 'Time' and 'Place' regained possession of the mind and banished peace.

The butterfly had made me feel forlorn and I was in no mood to go looking for deer which maybe anywhere in the large park and would look exactly like the one in any wildlife book or channel!!!

I had things to do - a train to catch, food to cook, a house to hoover, a machine cycle to run.......which is when I saw my first wild deer out of simply nowhere.
My excitement was no less than Sita's may have been - but my deer was much more than hers - my deer was REAL!

We both ran towards her....and she stared mockingly at our clumsy steps. I don't know how many million creatures I trampled below one step - unaware of their existence only because I....I couldn't see them. But They were There!

As we drew close we saw several deer. We watched them closely. They looked at us & saw...two beings who've run only to catch a train knowing that there was another one following in 3 minutes. No we didn't deserve a second glance- they got back to doing what deer do at 2 pm on a Summer day. And we got back to doing what human beings do - gape and tape!

We stood still and didn't go any closer. But there was a bambi with countless questions, that I would like to believe ...took to us.
Bambi took a look at us and went to her Mother...Who are they?
Mother indifferently - Human beings.
She came to take another look and ran back to Mother; will they be staying with us?
No they will go in a few minutes.
Another 15 visits (each time grower bolder and coming closer) and inspection of us and another 15 questions answered while chewing on some grass.

FLASH!!!

Mother do they have a star?
...no thats only a stupid camera that looses its shine when the battery goes down.

Mother can I ask them to join us?

And then THAT look! No, not to dear bambi. But to us!!! That flash of maternal instinct - warning us to behave ourselves and retreat.
We felt guilty and ashamed of so many things- bambi's first lesson never to trust us.

This was the 2nd time a animal/bird had told me that I was invading their space by just one look! To be honest I really did nothing to provoke them , but then thats in MY court of justice. The other warning I had got was from a peacock in Foutainbleau . The peacock suddenly raised his splendid feathers and gave them a shake. If you think it is comparable to a dance - stop romanticizing! Imagine a hundred eyes glaring at you and telling you to back off! Beautiful sure...but dangerous :)

What I had expected I didn't get....I got the unexpected, which was much, much more than my expectations. So much that more than two months later I still feel like writing about it ...and still feel my words dont do justice to the experience.

Back in the tube with sunburnt skin, hair careless tied, muddy shoes (I fell in a mud pit while photographing some dragon flies!), kurti-jeans, dusty cap, jacket full of new found treasure ('beautiful' leaves, 'beautiful' flowers, 'beautiful' stone.....).... I look at my co passengers in their suits and evening gowns.
Do we stay in the same world?
I Dont know and I Dont want that to hear the answer to that question.

I just close my eye and live the experience I just had again......

{Written in '06}